uncertain

Today is a day of celebration for my cuzins; Aileen's baby girl & Amber's BS in Dental Hygiene. But once again, the dynamics of my family life are reminisced. The feelings of strain, disappointment, anxiety & depression once again filling my mind. My shoulder begins it's development of that knot that pinches off my nerves, my stomach starts to churn & my head starts to run & run & run. I am not afraid of anything, except to suffer indescribable pain & continue to live. Nope, I'm not afraid of death...unless preceded by the aforementioned (hehe). I should be certain of uncertainty for that has always been my life. I have not been one of those who expects things & gets it. I have not been one to plan this as my life & gets it. I have never been that one who enters a contest & gets it. I'm not the "gets it" person. So in my delirium of insomnia, I leave my thoughts in the usual whirlwind of uncertainty. I have no idea what will become of my family or me. I have no idea where things will begin, or sadly end. I say "sadly"....because I know, for us...it will never be a "happy" ending.