I AM WITH YOU

Taken from the devotional I'm reading called "Jesus Calling:  Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young.  February 18.

I AM WITH YOU.  These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair.  Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience.  But the promise of My Presence limits how far down you can go.  Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted on let you down.  Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically.  Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help.  You recall that not only am I with you, I am holding you by your right hand.  I guide you with My counsel, and after ward I will take you into Glory.  This is exactly the perspective you need:  the reassurance of My Presence, and the glorious hope of heaven.

I felt this was appropriate to write because just as God has His time, He couldn't have been more perfect in sharing words that would relate to what I have just experienced...and to now have words to share with a soul that is struggling.  I remember the time I spent purging my heart of an unhealthy love & feeling.  It was painful, sorrowful, gut-wrenching, nauseating, lifeless, lost & very dark.  But in all of that, I do remember that God was there, as He still is, listening to all my rantings, screams, whispers, thoughts-wiping all my tears-comforting my weary body-restoring my broken soul.  Because of His unfailing presence & love, I was restored & renewed.  Tho life still throws curve-balls & fast balls at me & around me, I am more able to take them as they come.  I'm prayerful for my friend to find the peace I have come to find.  Mine is my own tho,that God has granted me through OUR relationship.  I know He will deliver my friend out of the darkness.  And through their renewed relationship, they will be restored.  In the Bible it says we must deny ourselves so that we may focus on God.  God never denies us tho.  And sadly, many times we deny God.  I'm so glad He didn't us....and that He never will.  The promise that pulls me through anything, is the promise that Jesus died for our sins so we may live.....and  soon He will return to receive us.  So what happens on this earth, let it be.  I'm going home one day, where I can't be hurt or I can't hurt anyone, to live with God eternally.  Remain faithful.  Talk with God.  Nourish your relationship with God.  You will find the peace that surpasses all understanding. 

Ha Hou or Hou Ha

Last blog I mentioned that I might be getting a new job at the VA hospital; working in the pain clinic.  Well, I officially started working last wednesday.  I changed my status at Reche Canyon Rehab, left my vampire lifestyle & rotating schedule....and began a new adventure in an acute hospital, doing clinic, living a normal day life & trying to adapt to all the changes.  It's going.....ok so far.  Lol.  But I praise God for His guidance, direction & answers.  As scared and sad as I was, I know this is where I am to be.  So I accept.

Have you ever had feelings you know you shouldn't have, but have them anyway?  Have you ever suppressed them so long and so prayerfully that it becomes bearable?  Have you ever told someone how you still feel.....after 5 yrs....knowing it still can never be?  I do.  Sigh.  But at least I've seen....I know....someone out there does exist.  Out of my reach....and never to be held.....but a tangible person.  My words of jumbled thoughts & stammering sentences conveyed what I so long had felt.  It was received with grace & thankfulness.  It was reciprocated with an exchange of similar words & thoughts & admiration for my strength to speak my heart.  I am actually ok.  It is something I have lived with.  And maybe now, now that I've opened the vault and let my feelings pour out.....maybe I can find some closure....some way to move on.....some peace.

Tomorrow I work on my own for most of the day.  Lets see how I handle it.  But with God's ever-guiding hand & wisdom at my request, I know I'll do just fine.  Here's to something new!

Trippin' brah!

Our loving father Larry is phobic and a little bit insane over sharks. To the point that bodies of water, not made within his bathtub or shower, are forbidden & dangerous. Any word of his children going anywhere near a body of water, such as a pool, lake or ocean....& he is immediate in dispelling his utmost disapproval! Thus the reason I didn't tell him my mission trip was on a cruise! LOL! In attempts to turn us onto his bandwagon of fear for sharks, he sends articles on shark attacks; especially the ones that are "unbeknownst to the victim!" Most recently, there was an incident 8 miles off the coast of Oahu where 2 fisherman were on their boat & had just pulled in a marlin when a huge great white shark began to circle their boat....and kept circling....and circling.....and circling. The one guy video'd the experience, along with his verbal commentation which had me rollin' coz if you're local, the pidgin is so fresh & brings you back to da islands. Anyhow, the words that kept me laughing were "I trippin' brah....I trippin'!"

A few months ago, I was asked by my kuya, if I'd be willing to work in his department. There was an opening that would be available & he thought I would be a great asset to the position. Because this is the VA, there are many steps, ladders & paths that have to be taken before something becomes available to me....or an applicant. The position was finally agreed upon, created & formally listed for applicants. I applied. I'm one of the 6 final applicants weeded out. As much as my kuya wants to hire me, it has suddenly become apparent that I must interview to fight for THE spot. So it looks like I have a few weeks to prepare. Kuya called to give me a heads up about interviewing & tho I was quiet & calm in the car, I am literally "trippin' brah!" I'm an outsider trying to come inside. Because some of these applicants have veterans status or are in the veterans system, there has to be some preference extended to them. I can't dispute that. But I sit here thinking, what.....what about me do I feel or I think others feel/see are what make me a better & more qualified candidate for the position? So I must pray harder....not just for the job, but for God to tell me about myself....and just hope & pray that who I am, the nurse I am, will be what this position needs. So this is still all in God's hands.

I saw an illustration of 2 diggers digging paths to their goal. One was still digging & prolly had a couple feet to go. The other had dug his way to inches from his goal before turning around, walking away & giving up. So here I am, not wanting to be that 2nd digger. Like Paul.....I will press on.....tho' I still trippin' brah! LOL!

that special tug

I miss CWM. Wishing I was @ worship with them right now....and looking forward to Catchphrase to give you an ab workout! Wherever each of you are, I pray & hope your Sabbath is special & full of praise! *clap * clap* I love you!

Yes, yes & oh yes

Tonite I was suppose to go back to work. I called off coz my shoulder has been irritating me & I can't work with the numbness down my left arm. (no, i'm not having a heart attack!) Anyhow, afterwards, we had a little cuzin time with what use to be, the single cuzins. But now 2 of them are dating (westy & gwyn) & Jane & I proceed to dream of the perfect man. (lol)

We decided to drive down to downtown disney & have my favorite mac & cheese @ La Brea Bakery. Our ride to the place was one I will never forget, nor will ever re-utter to anyone outside that car!

I'm happy to see that my cuzins can be happy with significant others. It's nice to hear that they're in love & that they look to the future with happiness set on their lifetime agenda. It's very nice to know that they love eachother.

I pitched this question to my friend Niki about her husband Duane...."How did you know he (duee) was the one?" She was surprised I asked her the question, she opened her mouth & said nothing. Then Duane asks me to ask her the questions again. So I do; "How did you know Duane was the one?!" Oh I had set myself up; His answer was....."HAVE YOU SEEN ME?!" Oh boy. Duee can be such the comedian!

But really? How do you know? And when you find out, what do you do? I guess this is starting to sound like the blog I posted yesterday. I am ok with not getting married or having kids. I had told God many many many yrs ago that if he let me go tomorrow, I would be ok. I experienced love, I experienced what it's like to have babies/kids around & loving them like your own, success, pain, etc.... So, in some kind of capacity, I've learned the arts and lessons....I just have to be the willing recipient.

Ok, I must retire from this blog. If I don't, I think i'll fall asleep with this laptop falling off my lap. So Happy Sabbath & na-night!

Oh Boy

My friend Edward has this uncanny ability to remember things; mostly numbers, but unfortunately other people's unhappy memories. Anyhow, within the last month, a couple weeks prior to our voyage to the Caribbean aboard "Cruise with a Mission (CWM)," Edward asked the question, "do you remember your first memory of me?" Edward and I were with our friend Fidi, eating at IHOP one late night. Because I am familiar with the mind of Ed, I became worried over a memory he had of me, that I probably buried & now am unable to dig up. By the uncomfortable giggles from Fidi, I realized Fidi knew this memory; obviously told to him by Ed. Great, between the 3 of us, Fidi & Ed know this memory about ME! I'm the one who can't remember. Wonderful. I was now very intrigued by this memory Ed had of me. I knew Ed when I was in highschool; he was in college. All I could uncover in my memory bank was the highschool infatuation I had for Ed. I thought for sure Ed's memory nugget had to do with that & that it would be so embarrassing hearing how he might've overheard my dreams about him. Instead, it became apparent that there USE to be a recording of this memory. Oh even better. Ed said he erased it so there is no more evidence; tho it's still in his mind. How convenient. Ed would not speak the memory & neither would Fidi. So Ed made an agreement with me to tell me on the cruise. Cruise came & he would not tell me, for reasons I might not have a good experience on the trip. So then he promised on sunday he'd tell me. Sunday came & went. So now it's Thursday evening & I finally got to hear the memory I have no recollection of.

We had Midnite Breffy. We had great times laughing & avoiding cruise talk. Of course you can't NOT talk about the cruise coz there are so many hilarious memories. But we kept to our rule of not talking about other cruise "business." Afterwards, Ed had to take James to his aunties' house & then Fidi to his car & me, home. James got to his aunties' house & Ed was ready to take me home. He finally spoke the memory I so longed to hear. I was astounded by the horrible fact that I was a jerk and said a mean thing about Ed....and by the fact he was eavesdropping on a private conversation between his sister, his best friend & me....and also because he was trying to be spy-like & recorded the conversation!!! I wasn't sure if I was more embarrassed by my juvenile & rude comment or by the fact that Ed had caught me on tape saying what I said! Fidi was dying in the front seat & wanted, very badly, to not be in the car at this time. Ed got into the turning lane to take me home but I yelled for him to drop Fidi off first so we could talk! Fidi "oo'd" Ed & then was thankful that he would soon escape whatever wrath might come about. We got to Fidi's car. Fidi got out in a hurry & I moved from the backseat to the front seat, I bid Fidi farewell & then proceeded to turn my attention to Ed. I don't know if I started hitting Ed's arm first or I yelled at him. I don't even remember what I yelled first! This was the story.....So Ed recorded me calling him fat, his sister & best friend laughed along with me & didn't defend Ed's honor against my comment, and Ed listened to that recording every day for at least a year and a half, if not 2 yrs! I think I was in a whirlwind of emotions....from embarrassment, to perturbedness, to sadness. Not to mention "why, why, why!" kept throbbing in my head. I was embarrassed because I had made that comment. It's not a comment that is flattering or warming. It's mean & just rude. I was perturbed because I couldn't believe how psycho Ed was for eavesdropping, recording it & then repeating the recording as a daily routine. I was sad because I said a mean thing about a person that disturbed & hurt him.

We finally got to my house & remained in the car to talk some more. I guess that was almost 20 yrs ago when those words were said & he began an unsettling routine. Ed's right. It was so highschool. But a lot of what happens in our teens sets our minds up for the future. Thinking about how he replayed those words about him, my voice, over & over again for almost 730 days, sometimes 2x a day, makes me cringe. If I had been him, I think I would've drove myself crazy. Thankfully he realized that it wasn't good & that he needed to stop listening to it. He knew it needed to be erased in order for it not to linger. Oh, he still remembers it, since he did implant it in his brain by listening to it at least once a day for almost 730 days, but at least the evidence is gone & it can't be repeated for another set of ears to hear. I can't believe that's his first memory of me. How horrible! It's a wonder we're still friends now. (hahaha) I told him that I'm surprised I said such a thing since what I remember of those days was my crazy stupid crush on him! I say crazy stupid because it was literally one of those highschool dramatics! Boy, memories from those days are starting to flood back. Unfortunately the term "inner tube" has also unburied itself so I really can't dispute Ed's memory now. But he did say he was more hurt by the lack of defense on his sister & his friend's part. I guess it was more evidence against them than it was against me. But still.....really? Listening to the words of a highschool teen saying you're fat everyday?! Oh Ed....how you amaze me sometimes! I am thankful we are still friends and that what has happened in the past isn't hurting our friendship for the present & future. I guess it's not so bad we grow up & we get older. I guess there's something to this getting "older & wiser" phrase.

Sometimes we don't realize that the words we say are harmful to people, because we don't tell them to their faces. If they can't hear it, if they don't know it & if they don't see it....then they are clueless. But on a rare occasion, something gets heard, spoken or seen....what then? So better not to say something than say something bad or harmful. But for many of us who don't always have that filter, thankfully there is forgiveness. sigh....I'm thinking of our snowflake craft we did for VBS exemplifying "forgiveness" and how Jesus cleans us "white as snow." Thanks Ed for telling me. And sorry I hurt you.

How do you know?

How do you know when you are meant to be where you are? How do you know when it's a good time to do something? How do you know if it's a good thing to say something? How do you know who you're suppose to love ? How do you know ..... how do you know? (I love that song by Whitney Houston called "How do you know")

I guess we don't always know what, when, where, how or who. It's always a question of one or the other or any of those combined. So how do we go about getting the answers? How do we get the answers we want? And when the answer comes, what do we do with it? Or how do we react to it? Especially when it's not what we expected. I guess that's where risk &/or faith steps in.

When I was told about this event called Cruise with a Mission by some of my friends who had attended, I was interested. Every year I would hear about it from my friends; especially the one who had been going every year since it started. Finally this year, after all the excuses & monetary hindrances, I registered. I knew I needed a recharge in my walk with God & I was determined to get it on Cruise with a Mission (CWM). So I made the verbal decision & prayed about how I was going to put my ducks in a row so it was possible. In our Midnite Breffy, my friends Fidi & Ed, were reeling us in to go on CWM; especially now that Fidi was Director & Ed was Asst. Director. I gave my verbal agreement & joined in their rally to gather the rest of our crew. Aunty Hellen then decided she'd go. So my begging turned to cuzin Westy because I felt that he needed this. Manong Des then decided that if we were all going, he wanted to go too. Long story short, the 4 of us decided to go & we made it on the ship to join Fidi & Ed. That was my leap of faith for the year. Money has always been an issue with me, and so I was unsure how I'd be able to afford it. God is great tho. I knew that somehow He'd come through, tho all my plans & endeavors to save for this trip were slipping through the cracks. Again, God knew.....I shouldn't have worried. Even if I didn't say it in my prayers, God knew the desires of my heart & I am now a CWM alumni! (hehehe) God worked through people in my life so that I would be taken care of. That was the beginning of my renewed Spirit. There are other instances around & on this trip that had me leaping to faith. But these leaps were without fear. God had already shown His mercy & proven His strength, why should I doubt Him now? Faith. It sometimes takes an act of desperation before we leap. But when we take that step or leap, faith amazes us with more than what we expected.

My cuzin is finally dating his first girlfriend at the age of 33. This is long distance & also across American borders, but it's happening. Two of my best friends moved up north to be with their boyfriends many years ago. The one best friend has been married to her boyfriend for over a year. The other best friend is still unmarried, though she's been living with her boyfriend since she moved up. I have feelings for this guy, but I have the cliche feelings of "I don't want him to know, because I don't want to mess up our friendship." So.....do you take the risk? My cuzin is taking the risk of having a successful relationship across states & borders. My two best friends moved out of their hometowns, left behind their friends & families & what was familiar to them, to be with their boyfriends & build on relationships. One got married & the other still waits for a proposal/ring. So my risk, of uttering simple words as, "I like you," is nothing compared to the risks my cuzin & best friends have made or are making. Is my cliche risk legit? Do I have a right to fear the outcome, therefore keeping silence is my action? What is worse for me? Taking the risk of saying something & being rejected or never uttering the words & ever finding out if there could've been a chance? Oh the risks. Is fear the only thing that keeps us from taking risks? Am I content to never know the possibilities of a relationship? Or am I just too afraid that even if I'm rejected I lose more than I had started with? Sounds pretty immature to be debating this. (hahaha) So I had the chance to say something tonight. I didn't take the chance. Partly it was fear of the negative outcome, and part of it was he was in a vulnerable state of mind. I think I will pray on this more before I take a risk.

Taking a risk & taking a leap of faith are similar, right? Sometimes it's the same? I don't know which is easier, but I know the outcome of leaping is always a harmless & rewarding ending. Taking risks has residual effects that if it were negative, there is a healing process behind it. So can I take my risk & just uplift it to God in prayer & then take the leap of faith? I think so. I'll pray about it. God will let me know....or His plan will manifest itself in me without me knowing. God has a humorous way about Him. But I appreciate it & it does make me laugh.

So now, what do I need to know? Ah yes....I need to know if I'm going to go on CWM 2012. I say yes. I have to plan on it now. But experience tells me, I'll be fine going this time. I won't be as insecure about my planning & I won't hinder myself with "what ifs." It just comes down to God's plans....not mine.

Reprieve

Temporary suspension from something usually terrible that's inevitably gonna happen. That's what I think of when I hear the word, "reprieve."

I want "reprieve." I want a break. I want a chance to take a breath. I want to release. I want a rest. I want a break. Surely the outcome of this world is uncertain & only certain that we will be reunited with God in Heaven. But the outcome is still an end & still a doom of some kind. Death can be seen as a doom. Only if you don't believe in God & His promise, & accept His gift. Yet, there is still this journey to be reckoned with. A journey never easy & not without it's twists & turns. This journey I'm on? I have no idea where I'm headed or what I'm doing. I try to live each day as it comes. I try to plan on the next day & next. It gets hard to plan for things in advance because I don't live in that perspective anymore. I guess I sound like I have nothing much to live for. I guess I don't. Wow, this sudden need for reprieve has me recognizing I may have nothing to live for; which I guess is indicative by my lack of motivation and absence of goals in life. If you were to ask me, "what do you live for?" I truly can't say it's for a person, place or thing. I guess the only thing I live for is whatever God has for me today. For His reason, today I'm alive....because I serve a purpose for Him. That's enough for me. Actually, that is enough period. I don't live for my parents; they may or may not out live me, they don't need me & they've been on their path together. I don't live for my brother or "siblings;" they don't need me, they can live without me. Honestly, this world could live without me. I'm not a president/prime minister/emperor of some place that needs my voice & wisdom to lead them. I'm not a judge who sometimes decides the fate of a person. I'm not a doctor, who uses their wisdom & techniques to decide on the best course of a person's ability to live. I'm not a pastor, who helps guide a person's faith so they may find peace, joy & reprieve from the world of sin. I'm just me.

Back to "reprieve." I'm just tired of the usual hum-drum of my life...or the tension/turmoil/uncertainties/anguish that surround me. I get reprieve here & there. But it's never long enough to be felt & appreciated. Am I really where God wants me to be? Am I doing what He wants me to do? Or am I just being overly-analyzing in wondering? Or overly-passive in my understanding? I don't know. I guess I need wisdom. It would be nice to have "reprieve" so I can figure it out. Haha.