How do you know?

How do you know when you are meant to be where you are? How do you know when it's a good time to do something? How do you know if it's a good thing to say something? How do you know who you're suppose to love ? How do you know ..... how do you know? (I love that song by Whitney Houston called "How do you know")

I guess we don't always know what, when, where, how or who. It's always a question of one or the other or any of those combined. So how do we go about getting the answers? How do we get the answers we want? And when the answer comes, what do we do with it? Or how do we react to it? Especially when it's not what we expected. I guess that's where risk &/or faith steps in.

When I was told about this event called Cruise with a Mission by some of my friends who had attended, I was interested. Every year I would hear about it from my friends; especially the one who had been going every year since it started. Finally this year, after all the excuses & monetary hindrances, I registered. I knew I needed a recharge in my walk with God & I was determined to get it on Cruise with a Mission (CWM). So I made the verbal decision & prayed about how I was going to put my ducks in a row so it was possible. In our Midnite Breffy, my friends Fidi & Ed, were reeling us in to go on CWM; especially now that Fidi was Director & Ed was Asst. Director. I gave my verbal agreement & joined in their rally to gather the rest of our crew. Aunty Hellen then decided she'd go. So my begging turned to cuzin Westy because I felt that he needed this. Manong Des then decided that if we were all going, he wanted to go too. Long story short, the 4 of us decided to go & we made it on the ship to join Fidi & Ed. That was my leap of faith for the year. Money has always been an issue with me, and so I was unsure how I'd be able to afford it. God is great tho. I knew that somehow He'd come through, tho all my plans & endeavors to save for this trip were slipping through the cracks. Again, God knew.....I shouldn't have worried. Even if I didn't say it in my prayers, God knew the desires of my heart & I am now a CWM alumni! (hehehe) God worked through people in my life so that I would be taken care of. That was the beginning of my renewed Spirit. There are other instances around & on this trip that had me leaping to faith. But these leaps were without fear. God had already shown His mercy & proven His strength, why should I doubt Him now? Faith. It sometimes takes an act of desperation before we leap. But when we take that step or leap, faith amazes us with more than what we expected.

My cuzin is finally dating his first girlfriend at the age of 33. This is long distance & also across American borders, but it's happening. Two of my best friends moved up north to be with their boyfriends many years ago. The one best friend has been married to her boyfriend for over a year. The other best friend is still unmarried, though she's been living with her boyfriend since she moved up. I have feelings for this guy, but I have the cliche feelings of "I don't want him to know, because I don't want to mess up our friendship." So.....do you take the risk? My cuzin is taking the risk of having a successful relationship across states & borders. My two best friends moved out of their hometowns, left behind their friends & families & what was familiar to them, to be with their boyfriends & build on relationships. One got married & the other still waits for a proposal/ring. So my risk, of uttering simple words as, "I like you," is nothing compared to the risks my cuzin & best friends have made or are making. Is my cliche risk legit? Do I have a right to fear the outcome, therefore keeping silence is my action? What is worse for me? Taking the risk of saying something & being rejected or never uttering the words & ever finding out if there could've been a chance? Oh the risks. Is fear the only thing that keeps us from taking risks? Am I content to never know the possibilities of a relationship? Or am I just too afraid that even if I'm rejected I lose more than I had started with? Sounds pretty immature to be debating this. (hahaha) So I had the chance to say something tonight. I didn't take the chance. Partly it was fear of the negative outcome, and part of it was he was in a vulnerable state of mind. I think I will pray on this more before I take a risk.

Taking a risk & taking a leap of faith are similar, right? Sometimes it's the same? I don't know which is easier, but I know the outcome of leaping is always a harmless & rewarding ending. Taking risks has residual effects that if it were negative, there is a healing process behind it. So can I take my risk & just uplift it to God in prayer & then take the leap of faith? I think so. I'll pray about it. God will let me know....or His plan will manifest itself in me without me knowing. God has a humorous way about Him. But I appreciate it & it does make me laugh.

So now, what do I need to know? Ah yes....I need to know if I'm going to go on CWM 2012. I say yes. I have to plan on it now. But experience tells me, I'll be fine going this time. I won't be as insecure about my planning & I won't hinder myself with "what ifs." It just comes down to God's plans....not mine.