Friday, December 30, 2011
that special tug
I miss CWM. Wishing I was @ worship with them right now....and looking forward to Catchphrase to give you an ab workout! Wherever each of you are, I pray & hope your Sabbath is special & full of praise! *clap * clap* I love you!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Yes, yes & oh yes
Tonite I was suppose to go back to work. I called off coz my shoulder has been irritating me & I can't work with the numbness down my left arm. (no, i'm not having a heart attack!) Anyhow, afterwards, we had a little cuzin time with what use to be, the single cuzins. But now 2 of them are dating (westy & gwyn) & Jane & I proceed to dream of the perfect man. (lol)
We decided to drive down to downtown disney & have my favorite mac & cheese @ La Brea Bakery. Our ride to the place was one I will never forget, nor will ever re-utter to anyone outside that car!
I'm happy to see that my cuzins can be happy with significant others. It's nice to hear that they're in love & that they look to the future with happiness set on their lifetime agenda. It's very nice to know that they love eachother.
I pitched this question to my friend Niki about her husband Duane...."How did you know he (duee) was the one?" She was surprised I asked her the question, she opened her mouth & said nothing. Then Duane asks me to ask her the questions again. So I do; "How did you know Duane was the one?!" Oh I had set myself up; His answer was....."HAVE YOU SEEN ME?!" Oh boy. Duee can be such the comedian!
But really? How do you know? And when you find out, what do you do? I guess this is starting to sound like the blog I posted yesterday. I am ok with not getting married or having kids. I had told God many many many yrs ago that if he let me go tomorrow, I would be ok. I experienced love, I experienced what it's like to have babies/kids around & loving them like your own, success, pain, etc.... So, in some kind of capacity, I've learned the arts and lessons....I just have to be the willing recipient.
Ok, I must retire from this blog. If I don't, I think i'll fall asleep with this laptop falling off my lap. So Happy Sabbath & na-night!
We decided to drive down to downtown disney & have my favorite mac & cheese @ La Brea Bakery. Our ride to the place was one I will never forget, nor will ever re-utter to anyone outside that car!
I'm happy to see that my cuzins can be happy with significant others. It's nice to hear that they're in love & that they look to the future with happiness set on their lifetime agenda. It's very nice to know that they love eachother.
I pitched this question to my friend Niki about her husband Duane...."How did you know he (duee) was the one?" She was surprised I asked her the question, she opened her mouth & said nothing. Then Duane asks me to ask her the questions again. So I do; "How did you know Duane was the one?!" Oh I had set myself up; His answer was....."HAVE YOU SEEN ME?!" Oh boy. Duee can be such the comedian!
But really? How do you know? And when you find out, what do you do? I guess this is starting to sound like the blog I posted yesterday. I am ok with not getting married or having kids. I had told God many many many yrs ago that if he let me go tomorrow, I would be ok. I experienced love, I experienced what it's like to have babies/kids around & loving them like your own, success, pain, etc.... So, in some kind of capacity, I've learned the arts and lessons....I just have to be the willing recipient.
Ok, I must retire from this blog. If I don't, I think i'll fall asleep with this laptop falling off my lap. So Happy Sabbath & na-night!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Oh Boy
My friend Edward has this uncanny ability to remember things; mostly numbers, but unfortunately other people's unhappy memories. Anyhow, within the last month, a couple weeks prior to our voyage to the Caribbean aboard "Cruise with a Mission (CWM)," Edward asked the question, "do you remember your first memory of me?" Edward and I were with our friend Fidi, eating at IHOP one late night. Because I am familiar with the mind of Ed, I became worried over a memory he had of me, that I probably buried & now am unable to dig up. By the uncomfortable giggles from Fidi, I realized Fidi knew this memory; obviously told to him by Ed. Great, between the 3 of us, Fidi & Ed know this memory about ME! I'm the one who can't remember. Wonderful. I was now very intrigued by this memory Ed had of me. I knew Ed when I was in highschool; he was in college. All I could uncover in my memory bank was the highschool infatuation I had for Ed. I thought for sure Ed's memory nugget had to do with that & that it would be so embarrassing hearing how he might've overheard my dreams about him. Instead, it became apparent that there USE to be a recording of this memory. Oh even better. Ed said he erased it so there is no more evidence; tho it's still in his mind. How convenient. Ed would not speak the memory & neither would Fidi. So Ed made an agreement with me to tell me on the cruise. Cruise came & he would not tell me, for reasons I might not have a good experience on the trip. So then he promised on sunday he'd tell me. Sunday came & went. So now it's Thursday evening & I finally got to hear the memory I have no recollection of.
We had Midnite Breffy. We had great times laughing & avoiding cruise talk. Of course you can't NOT talk about the cruise coz there are so many hilarious memories. But we kept to our rule of not talking about other cruise "business." Afterwards, Ed had to take James to his aunties' house & then Fidi to his car & me, home. James got to his aunties' house & Ed was ready to take me home. He finally spoke the memory I so longed to hear. I was astounded by the horrible fact that I was a jerk and said a mean thing about Ed....and by the fact he was eavesdropping on a private conversation between his sister, his best friend & me....and also because he was trying to be spy-like & recorded the conversation!!! I wasn't sure if I was more embarrassed by my juvenile & rude comment or by the fact that Ed had caught me on tape saying what I said! Fidi was dying in the front seat & wanted, very badly, to not be in the car at this time. Ed got into the turning lane to take me home but I yelled for him to drop Fidi off first so we could talk! Fidi "oo'd" Ed & then was thankful that he would soon escape whatever wrath might come about. We got to Fidi's car. Fidi got out in a hurry & I moved from the backseat to the front seat, I bid Fidi farewell & then proceeded to turn my attention to Ed. I don't know if I started hitting Ed's arm first or I yelled at him. I don't even remember what I yelled first! This was the story.....So Ed recorded me calling him fat, his sister & best friend laughed along with me & didn't defend Ed's honor against my comment, and Ed listened to that recording every day for at least a year and a half, if not 2 yrs! I think I was in a whirlwind of emotions....from embarrassment, to perturbedness, to sadness. Not to mention "why, why, why!" kept throbbing in my head. I was embarrassed because I had made that comment. It's not a comment that is flattering or warming. It's mean & just rude. I was perturbed because I couldn't believe how psycho Ed was for eavesdropping, recording it & then repeating the recording as a daily routine. I was sad because I said a mean thing about a person that disturbed & hurt him.
We finally got to my house & remained in the car to talk some more. I guess that was almost 20 yrs ago when those words were said & he began an unsettling routine. Ed's right. It was so highschool. But a lot of what happens in our teens sets our minds up for the future. Thinking about how he replayed those words about him, my voice, over & over again for almost 730 days, sometimes 2x a day, makes me cringe. If I had been him, I think I would've drove myself crazy. Thankfully he realized that it wasn't good & that he needed to stop listening to it. He knew it needed to be erased in order for it not to linger. Oh, he still remembers it, since he did implant it in his brain by listening to it at least once a day for almost 730 days, but at least the evidence is gone & it can't be repeated for another set of ears to hear. I can't believe that's his first memory of me. How horrible! It's a wonder we're still friends now. (hahaha) I told him that I'm surprised I said such a thing since what I remember of those days was my crazy stupid crush on him! I say crazy stupid because it was literally one of those highschool dramatics! Boy, memories from those days are starting to flood back. Unfortunately the term "inner tube" has also unburied itself so I really can't dispute Ed's memory now. But he did say he was more hurt by the lack of defense on his sister & his friend's part. I guess it was more evidence against them than it was against me. But still.....really? Listening to the words of a highschool teen saying you're fat everyday?! Oh Ed....how you amaze me sometimes! I am thankful we are still friends and that what has happened in the past isn't hurting our friendship for the present & future. I guess it's not so bad we grow up & we get older. I guess there's something to this getting "older & wiser" phrase.
Sometimes we don't realize that the words we say are harmful to people, because we don't tell them to their faces. If they can't hear it, if they don't know it & if they don't see it....then they are clueless. But on a rare occasion, something gets heard, spoken or seen....what then? So better not to say something than say something bad or harmful. But for many of us who don't always have that filter, thankfully there is forgiveness. sigh....I'm thinking of our snowflake craft we did for VBS exemplifying "forgiveness" and how Jesus cleans us "white as snow." Thanks Ed for telling me. And sorry I hurt you.
We had Midnite Breffy. We had great times laughing & avoiding cruise talk. Of course you can't NOT talk about the cruise coz there are so many hilarious memories. But we kept to our rule of not talking about other cruise "business." Afterwards, Ed had to take James to his aunties' house & then Fidi to his car & me, home. James got to his aunties' house & Ed was ready to take me home. He finally spoke the memory I so longed to hear. I was astounded by the horrible fact that I was a jerk and said a mean thing about Ed....and by the fact he was eavesdropping on a private conversation between his sister, his best friend & me....and also because he was trying to be spy-like & recorded the conversation!!! I wasn't sure if I was more embarrassed by my juvenile & rude comment or by the fact that Ed had caught me on tape saying what I said! Fidi was dying in the front seat & wanted, very badly, to not be in the car at this time. Ed got into the turning lane to take me home but I yelled for him to drop Fidi off first so we could talk! Fidi "oo'd" Ed & then was thankful that he would soon escape whatever wrath might come about. We got to Fidi's car. Fidi got out in a hurry & I moved from the backseat to the front seat, I bid Fidi farewell & then proceeded to turn my attention to Ed. I don't know if I started hitting Ed's arm first or I yelled at him. I don't even remember what I yelled first! This was the story.....So Ed recorded me calling him fat, his sister & best friend laughed along with me & didn't defend Ed's honor against my comment, and Ed listened to that recording every day for at least a year and a half, if not 2 yrs! I think I was in a whirlwind of emotions....from embarrassment, to perturbedness, to sadness. Not to mention "why, why, why!" kept throbbing in my head. I was embarrassed because I had made that comment. It's not a comment that is flattering or warming. It's mean & just rude. I was perturbed because I couldn't believe how psycho Ed was for eavesdropping, recording it & then repeating the recording as a daily routine. I was sad because I said a mean thing about a person that disturbed & hurt him.
We finally got to my house & remained in the car to talk some more. I guess that was almost 20 yrs ago when those words were said & he began an unsettling routine. Ed's right. It was so highschool. But a lot of what happens in our teens sets our minds up for the future. Thinking about how he replayed those words about him, my voice, over & over again for almost 730 days, sometimes 2x a day, makes me cringe. If I had been him, I think I would've drove myself crazy. Thankfully he realized that it wasn't good & that he needed to stop listening to it. He knew it needed to be erased in order for it not to linger. Oh, he still remembers it, since he did implant it in his brain by listening to it at least once a day for almost 730 days, but at least the evidence is gone & it can't be repeated for another set of ears to hear. I can't believe that's his first memory of me. How horrible! It's a wonder we're still friends now. (hahaha) I told him that I'm surprised I said such a thing since what I remember of those days was my crazy stupid crush on him! I say crazy stupid because it was literally one of those highschool dramatics! Boy, memories from those days are starting to flood back. Unfortunately the term "inner tube" has also unburied itself so I really can't dispute Ed's memory now. But he did say he was more hurt by the lack of defense on his sister & his friend's part. I guess it was more evidence against them than it was against me. But still.....really? Listening to the words of a highschool teen saying you're fat everyday?! Oh Ed....how you amaze me sometimes! I am thankful we are still friends and that what has happened in the past isn't hurting our friendship for the present & future. I guess it's not so bad we grow up & we get older. I guess there's something to this getting "older & wiser" phrase.
Sometimes we don't realize that the words we say are harmful to people, because we don't tell them to their faces. If they can't hear it, if they don't know it & if they don't see it....then they are clueless. But on a rare occasion, something gets heard, spoken or seen....what then? So better not to say something than say something bad or harmful. But for many of us who don't always have that filter, thankfully there is forgiveness. sigh....I'm thinking of our snowflake craft we did for VBS exemplifying "forgiveness" and how Jesus cleans us "white as snow." Thanks Ed for telling me. And sorry I hurt you.
How do you know?
How do you know when you are meant to be where you are? How do you know when it's a good time to do something? How do you know if it's a good thing to say something? How do you know who you're suppose to love ? How do you know ..... how do you know? (I love that song by Whitney Houston called "How do you know")
I guess we don't always know what, when, where, how or who. It's always a question of one or the other or any of those combined. So how do we go about getting the answers? How do we get the answers we want? And when the answer comes, what do we do with it? Or how do we react to it? Especially when it's not what we expected. I guess that's where risk &/or faith steps in.
When I was told about this event called Cruise with a Mission by some of my friends who had attended, I was interested. Every year I would hear about it from my friends; especially the one who had been going every year since it started. Finally this year, after all the excuses & monetary hindrances, I registered. I knew I needed a recharge in my walk with God & I was determined to get it on Cruise with a Mission (CWM). So I made the verbal decision & prayed about how I was going to put my ducks in a row so it was possible. In our Midnite Breffy, my friends Fidi & Ed, were reeling us in to go on CWM; especially now that Fidi was Director & Ed was Asst. Director. I gave my verbal agreement & joined in their rally to gather the rest of our crew. Aunty Hellen then decided she'd go. So my begging turned to cuzin Westy because I felt that he needed this. Manong Des then decided that if we were all going, he wanted to go too. Long story short, the 4 of us decided to go & we made it on the ship to join Fidi & Ed. That was my leap of faith for the year. Money has always been an issue with me, and so I was unsure how I'd be able to afford it. God is great tho. I knew that somehow He'd come through, tho all my plans & endeavors to save for this trip were slipping through the cracks. Again, God knew.....I shouldn't have worried. Even if I didn't say it in my prayers, God knew the desires of my heart & I am now a CWM alumni! (hehehe) God worked through people in my life so that I would be taken care of. That was the beginning of my renewed Spirit. There are other instances around & on this trip that had me leaping to faith. But these leaps were without fear. God had already shown His mercy & proven His strength, why should I doubt Him now? Faith. It sometimes takes an act of desperation before we leap. But when we take that step or leap, faith amazes us with more than what we expected.
My cuzin is finally dating his first girlfriend at the age of 33. This is long distance & also across American borders, but it's happening. Two of my best friends moved up north to be with their boyfriends many years ago. The one best friend has been married to her boyfriend for over a year. The other best friend is still unmarried, though she's been living with her boyfriend since she moved up. I have feelings for this guy, but I have the cliche feelings of "I don't want him to know, because I don't want to mess up our friendship." So.....do you take the risk? My cuzin is taking the risk of having a successful relationship across states & borders. My two best friends moved out of their hometowns, left behind their friends & families & what was familiar to them, to be with their boyfriends & build on relationships. One got married & the other still waits for a proposal/ring. So my risk, of uttering simple words as, "I like you," is nothing compared to the risks my cuzin & best friends have made or are making. Is my cliche risk legit? Do I have a right to fear the outcome, therefore keeping silence is my action? What is worse for me? Taking the risk of saying something & being rejected or never uttering the words & ever finding out if there could've been a chance? Oh the risks. Is fear the only thing that keeps us from taking risks? Am I content to never know the possibilities of a relationship? Or am I just too afraid that even if I'm rejected I lose more than I had started with? Sounds pretty immature to be debating this. (hahaha) So I had the chance to say something tonight. I didn't take the chance. Partly it was fear of the negative outcome, and part of it was he was in a vulnerable state of mind. I think I will pray on this more before I take a risk.
Taking a risk & taking a leap of faith are similar, right? Sometimes it's the same? I don't know which is easier, but I know the outcome of leaping is always a harmless & rewarding ending. Taking risks has residual effects that if it were negative, there is a healing process behind it. So can I take my risk & just uplift it to God in prayer & then take the leap of faith? I think so. I'll pray about it. God will let me know....or His plan will manifest itself in me without me knowing. God has a humorous way about Him. But I appreciate it & it does make me laugh.
So now, what do I need to know? Ah yes....I need to know if I'm going to go on CWM 2012. I say yes. I have to plan on it now. But experience tells me, I'll be fine going this time. I won't be as insecure about my planning & I won't hinder myself with "what ifs." It just comes down to God's plans....not mine.
I guess we don't always know what, when, where, how or who. It's always a question of one or the other or any of those combined. So how do we go about getting the answers? How do we get the answers we want? And when the answer comes, what do we do with it? Or how do we react to it? Especially when it's not what we expected. I guess that's where risk &/or faith steps in.
When I was told about this event called Cruise with a Mission by some of my friends who had attended, I was interested. Every year I would hear about it from my friends; especially the one who had been going every year since it started. Finally this year, after all the excuses & monetary hindrances, I registered. I knew I needed a recharge in my walk with God & I was determined to get it on Cruise with a Mission (CWM). So I made the verbal decision & prayed about how I was going to put my ducks in a row so it was possible. In our Midnite Breffy, my friends Fidi & Ed, were reeling us in to go on CWM; especially now that Fidi was Director & Ed was Asst. Director. I gave my verbal agreement & joined in their rally to gather the rest of our crew. Aunty Hellen then decided she'd go. So my begging turned to cuzin Westy because I felt that he needed this. Manong Des then decided that if we were all going, he wanted to go too. Long story short, the 4 of us decided to go & we made it on the ship to join Fidi & Ed. That was my leap of faith for the year. Money has always been an issue with me, and so I was unsure how I'd be able to afford it. God is great tho. I knew that somehow He'd come through, tho all my plans & endeavors to save for this trip were slipping through the cracks. Again, God knew.....I shouldn't have worried. Even if I didn't say it in my prayers, God knew the desires of my heart & I am now a CWM alumni! (hehehe) God worked through people in my life so that I would be taken care of. That was the beginning of my renewed Spirit. There are other instances around & on this trip that had me leaping to faith. But these leaps were without fear. God had already shown His mercy & proven His strength, why should I doubt Him now? Faith. It sometimes takes an act of desperation before we leap. But when we take that step or leap, faith amazes us with more than what we expected.
My cuzin is finally dating his first girlfriend at the age of 33. This is long distance & also across American borders, but it's happening. Two of my best friends moved up north to be with their boyfriends many years ago. The one best friend has been married to her boyfriend for over a year. The other best friend is still unmarried, though she's been living with her boyfriend since she moved up. I have feelings for this guy, but I have the cliche feelings of "I don't want him to know, because I don't want to mess up our friendship." So.....do you take the risk? My cuzin is taking the risk of having a successful relationship across states & borders. My two best friends moved out of their hometowns, left behind their friends & families & what was familiar to them, to be with their boyfriends & build on relationships. One got married & the other still waits for a proposal/ring. So my risk, of uttering simple words as, "I like you," is nothing compared to the risks my cuzin & best friends have made or are making. Is my cliche risk legit? Do I have a right to fear the outcome, therefore keeping silence is my action? What is worse for me? Taking the risk of saying something & being rejected or never uttering the words & ever finding out if there could've been a chance? Oh the risks. Is fear the only thing that keeps us from taking risks? Am I content to never know the possibilities of a relationship? Or am I just too afraid that even if I'm rejected I lose more than I had started with? Sounds pretty immature to be debating this. (hahaha) So I had the chance to say something tonight. I didn't take the chance. Partly it was fear of the negative outcome, and part of it was he was in a vulnerable state of mind. I think I will pray on this more before I take a risk.
Taking a risk & taking a leap of faith are similar, right? Sometimes it's the same? I don't know which is easier, but I know the outcome of leaping is always a harmless & rewarding ending. Taking risks has residual effects that if it were negative, there is a healing process behind it. So can I take my risk & just uplift it to God in prayer & then take the leap of faith? I think so. I'll pray about it. God will let me know....or His plan will manifest itself in me without me knowing. God has a humorous way about Him. But I appreciate it & it does make me laugh.
So now, what do I need to know? Ah yes....I need to know if I'm going to go on CWM 2012. I say yes. I have to plan on it now. But experience tells me, I'll be fine going this time. I won't be as insecure about my planning & I won't hinder myself with "what ifs." It just comes down to God's plans....not mine.
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